There have been a string of events that have happened since I've moved to Raleigh and I found myself today reflecting on all of that- specifically with the past couple of weeks, but I'll get to that. It started back in March when I lost my right ovary to 2 cysts the size of a small childs head that had been residing in me since who knows when. Those babies bought me an emergent ticket to the OR without knowing if my ovaries were going to be salvaged or if I was going to come out completely clean of fertility. Thankfully, I came out with just losing one ovary, and still having another ovary to use if I ever get the opportunity to become a mom.
The Tit: In constant pain for a solid month, eventually leading to surgery.
The Tat: Coming out with an ovary, no cancer diagnosis, and surviving anesthesia.
In more recent months, my precious grandfather passed away after battling various cancers (mainly lung cancer) for about 10 years. I miss him everyday. I think about him everyday. I hate cigarettes for taking him and my grandmother. I hate worse that they felt they needed to smoke cigarettes just to be ok with life.
The Tit: My grandfather died.
The Tat: I made it home in time to tell him I love him, and to hear him say it back to me. I got to hold his hand through every one of his last breaths, and then finally the very last one.
On a lighter note, I got rid of my car after weeks of battling the need to have a new one because I couldn't quite justify going more into debt for a "thing" after I just got back from Nicaragua and knowing all the need for more necessary "things" there. I just felt like I could drive around a 'POS' for another few months to feel better about living in excess here in America. I finally snapped out of it and realized I HAVE TO have another car no matter what or else I might blow up in my old Montero before long. Thanks to a good friend, he was able to find me exactly what I was looking for at a VERY good deal that seemed more justifiable to me. He mentioned yesterday that my old car was miles away from the drive shaft falling out. He said "she's a lucky girl".
The Tit: 3 years of carpayment free living came to an end.
The Tat: I didn't die driving my old car, and I really LOVE my new car.
To add to the mix, my wallet was stolen right out from under my nose by a co-worker. My purse was at the nurses station right along with everyone else's belongings. Apparently someone had been watching my purse and stole my wallet at some point when I was in a patient's room. My wallet had nothing great for the theif, but everything important to me such as my license, SS card, health insurance cards, my checkbook, and all that stuff. They walked away with maybe $5, my silver coins, a Target debit card (that was promptly cancelled), and a couple of gift cards. Thankfully, a super nice and HONEST man called me randomly the next day to tell me that he had found my wallet in a dirty linen bag from the hospital. He had found my # on my checks. He is part of the laundry company that cleans all of Duke Hospital's dirty linens. My wallet was mixed in with all the poop, pee, and all other types of body fluid stained linens. Lovely.
The Tit: I was robbed, cancelled my bank account, and made plans to spend the day in the DMV office and SS office to get new cards... the two worst places on the planet.
The Tat: I got my wallet back. A renewed hope of a people really wanting to do right by each other. No trip to the DMV or SS office thank GOD! (oh, and all my pennies, b/c the theif apparently only wanted my silver coins).
Lastly, along with my new car has come a new speeding ticket from an unforgiving state trooper, and an old man that didn't see me in the parking lot and backed into my car leaving a pretty nice dent around the left front wheel rim (that happened today actually). For the speeding ticket, I get to take an 8 hour defensive driving class with the rest of Raleigh's reckless drivers, but for free because I have a friend that works for the company.
The Tit: seriously? Did this really happen? Do I really need a car? I'm OVER cars!
The Tat: I get to take a $100 class for FREE that doesn't make my insurance go up, and I nor the other man involved was injured in the little bump up, and it really is just a dent.
These are the scenario's that raced over my mind this morning after I was a part of the bump up that literally made me look to the sky and say outloud "Seriously! Seriously?". After I got over my little "why me" party I just laughed. This is life. Life sucks sometimes. And as my mom always tells me, "it could be worse". She is certainly right. The events of this year have definitely kept me on my toes, but have also been a nice consistent reminder that I really do have control over NOTHING, and that is ok. That is what hit me today. That feeling of losing control. I've also seen in the bad, the room for the good. With every bad, there is a good- with every Tit there is a Tat. I see that in my situations. That is where God has stepped in I'm convinced.
I don't know if it's been all the things that have been steadily happening in my life, or if they have been things with the people I love the most... I don't know.
Maybe it was my patient I had the other week that had every possible mental disease known to man, and a history of medical conditions that would blow your mind, and a father that threw her against a wall when she was 8 years old that has left her partially blind in her left eye from a ruptured retina. Maybe it was precious Lorenzo that I took care of a couple of weeks ago after someone decided to car jack him and beat him over the head with a bat because he refused to give his car up that he no doubt has worked his fingers to the bone for. He is from Mexico and he is a mechanic. His hands were strong, calloused, and there was not a single crevice that wasn't filled in black dirt. His mouth was wired shut, his right eye sutured shut, and a huge incision with sutures from the surgery stretched from ear to ear to crown his head. Yet he glared at me with thanks and never complained a single time. Maybe it was Tyler (the pastor of the church I attend) talking about a homeless lady he knows that refuses to seek shelter because she has been rapped so many times that her rationale is if she lives in a room she can't get out if someone comes in, but if she lives on the street she can at least run from someone who tries to attack her. Maybe it was the sweet man I just saw in Target that was wheeling himself around in one of those scooters with a basket. He was picking up boxes of Kleenex for himself and he had thick white hair just like my precious grandpa. He immediately brought tears to my eyes and I left to my car crying and thinking over my grandpa and how he spent so many years alone without my grandmother.
My point in all this is not what unfortunate events have happened, but being ever aware that there is no way that I can control everything (if anything) in my life. There are things that are happening around Raleigh and the world that make me want to pass out because I can't handle the heartbreak or the reality of some people's situations. There really is no room for pity. There is only room for compassion and a bleeding heart to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. In that way, we really can't feel sorry for ourselves, but we can have an uncontrolable, God inspired drive to meet people where they are and to be a part of making some justice happen in situations that are beyond unfair and unthinkable.
