I haven't blogged in a while... clearly. What a captain obvious statement to say. I ultimately think blogging is weird, but somehow I appreciate it. I haven't shared any of my thoughts the past few months for a number of reasons... mostly just that I couldn't put into public words what I have been dealing with, but as of a couple of days ago I've been inspired to write.
This week has been hard for me. This week was one of those that I felt that I could just cave underneath all of the thoughts and situations that were pilling up around me. I've had a hard time. It was a perfect storm of emotions, realizations, confirmations, wonderings, longings, and questioning all wrapped into one. This week I didn't feel like I could be alone for long periods of time because I needed to talk it out. Luckily, I have Whitney (see previous post). She was there for me everyday. By phone, at my house, via gchat while at work... she was there. My constant companion and greatest friend. This week has just been a product of this year which has left me spinning at times but always aware that something bigger is going on. This year, since moving to raleigh, I have had plenty of new things that have arisen as well as old things that seem to find their way back into my life. I have met new people, I have let go of people, I have found comfort in new friendships, and I have had to let some go. Somehow, even in the newness of it all, it still feels the same. I moved to Raleigh to start new, to mix it up, to get myself out of the same circle, to give myself a chance to let God do something new and different in my life; however, here lately it has all still felt the same. Heartbreak is still here, adjustment seems like a daily task, and situations that I thought would be far from me this time are still lurking their way back into my life. The similarities are painstakingly erry. My apologies for being so vague, but it's not the details of my life stories that I'm getting at... I am making a point.
This week I have been fearful. I have been crippled with anxiety and worry that my life will always turn out the same. I have wrestled with trying to get to the root of the longings of my heart that seem to go unanswered as the years go by no matter how many prayers I send up or how many adjustments I try to make in how I handle certain things or people. Throughout this year I have thrown away things and people that would eventually be destructive and I have metaphorically dodged bullets that seem to be flying towards my head at warp speed every time I turn around. It seems like a never-ending process and one that frankly makes me too exhausted to even bother with most of the time. I start to feel like it's all a sick joke.
By Friday of this week I started to feel some peace. Peace is a beautiful thing. I was able to see a singer that I have casually enjoyed for a while, introduced to me by Whitney. His name is Matthew Perryman Jones. It was a small concert and we were able to listen, conversate, and sing along with him just like we were old friends. It was really nice. I caught myself tearing up a couple of times because I could relate to his lyrics, and also because he seemed to be a man of heavy thought and in his eyes I could tell he has been through "some shit", as he said himself. You could see it. He is heavy. I appreciated that.
"in the dark, there's a fear of letting go, and i know it in my heart that i fear what i don't know. and this feels like i'm letting go..."
These are the lyrics that brought me to tears- only because I feel like this is where I am. This is where I am with the Lord, and while I know that he loves me and I can have complete trust in that, the questions of life and what is going on is the dark that makes me fearful of letting go and giving in to that. Couple that with situations that seem to continually repeat themselves in my life are what make me crazy with fear that I'm always going to be lead right back to the same place that leaves me feeling empty, used, and unappreciated.
But I feel like I'm letting go.
I'm letting go of these old fears. I'm letting go of these patterns that keep me down. I'm letting go of my strengths that have become my weakness. I'm letting go of the thoughts and feelings that are lies and are not given to me by my Lord that loves me and made me the way that I am. I'm letting go of allowing myself to care more for people than they care about me, even though that is completely against my nature.
In the past few months I have had the opportunity to be a singer in a band at my church here in Raleigh, Vintage21, http://www.vintage21.com/. It has been such a sweet time for me. In all my life I have only felt good at one thing... music. Singing and playing the piano is the only thing that I felt set me a part when I was growing up. I was super shy as a kid and didn't like to talk much, but if I was able to sing or play my piano I wound come alive. Singing at vintage has been my little way of giving back to a place that I trully believe in and one of the few churches that I feel exists to wholeheartedly and accurately represent Jesus. Today I had the opportunity to play the piano AND sing at vintage. It was a first for me and quite hilarious. I hadn't practiced, I haven't played the piano in months, and I have never played and sang at the same time. In the past if I ever played in front of people, my hands would turn cold and shakey under the pressure of my nerves; however, today my hands were warm and steady. Granted I was only playing 2 notes at a time as opposed to six, and I mostly felt like I was playing like this cool guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuBJLTdr_pQ - but I still give credit to it being something bigger than me that kept my hands warm and steady this time.
Even though in my life, history seems to be repeating itself, it is turning up different this time inside of me. The thickness of the fight and the moment by moment reliance on God to bring peace into my heart is a true miracle and a fight that I am more than willing to fight if it means that I am most at home with him in the end.
When I sing- there he is.
When I have peace- there he is.
When I am sitting alone- there he is.
When I am wrestling- there he is.
When I am done- there he is.
Sometimes the repetition of life shows itself to drive home a point. In my life it looks like a continual and daily act of surrender to trust that he loves me, he cares for me, he is perfect in his timing, he works all things together for my good, and when he is the only HE in my life it's ok.
John 15:9 says, "make yourself at home in my love."
this is what I'm doing... making myself at home.
He's up to something new. I can feel it.
